


I Wasn't Asking for the World

by TheWishmaster21



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming of Age, Light Angst, Post-Season/Series 02, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29135562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWishmaster21/pseuds/TheWishmaster21
Summary: Sarah McCool hasn't seen the father of her daughter since the night Orla was conceived. What happens when he makes an unexpected return and threatens to disrupt the family dynamic she's worked so hard to come to terms with?
Comments: 65
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I recently watched Derry Girls and it’s one of my favorite shows! It’s hilarious and I can’t wait for them to make season 3. Two of my favorite characters are Orla and Aunt Sarah, and I think they have a great dynamic. As I was watching, I wondered about the situation surrounding Orla’s father. So this came about. 
> 
> I am not from Derry and the only Derry-isms I know are from watching the show and listening to the audiobook "Erin’s Diary". I’m trying to incorporate their language a little, but I don’t feel comfortable trying too hard to do that because it won’t sound right. So hopefully I’m not totally butchering it. 
> 
> This is the first fanfiction I’ve ever attempted to write so if anyone at all reads this or comments, I will be so grateful. :) Tone is more heavy than most episodes of Derry Girls but nothing that should need a content warning.  
> First couple of chapters will be some quick backstory! 
> 
> (Title is from "Your Sword Versus My Dagger" by Silverstein)

**1978**

Sarah McCool couldn’t believe her eyes as she peered over the top of her glass at the gentleman across the pub. In secondary school, this was the boy she had daydreamed about. Her friends encouraged her, saying he was the biggest ride in the history of Derry, while Mary had rolled her eyes and said he was a “pretentious dose”. She vividly remembered the day she had taken him to the school formal, and they had kissed afterwards. The following morning, she had dramatically declared to her parents that she had found the love of her life. Her parents chuckled and made remarks about being careful to avoid counting chickens, and she wondered why they weren’t taking her seriously. After all, he was _perfect._

He had talked of his aspirations to leave Derry behind and see the world, but she figured everyone talks like that when they’re teenagers. But when the time came to graduate, she told him she had no intention of actually leaving her family behind. If only he had been on the same page. When Mary heard the news of their breakup, she had said “What did I tell you?” Sarah was briefly devastated, but she reassured herself that someone as beautiful as her would have no problem finding another man. His loss.

Now, 4 years later, there he stood. She wondered for a moment if she was hallucinating, but there was no mistaking that figure. That tall man with the barely-tamed curly brown hair and expressive brown eyes. She thought about walking across the room and giving him a whack across the face, or throwing her drink over him. She had fantasized about what she would say if he ever returned, without thinking it would actually happen. But sweet Jesus, was he looking well. He was sporting a beard and laughing casually with some other fellas. Her heart skipped a beat and she cursed herself for being so shallow. 

Sarah approached him. She had another fleeting urge to curse him out. Instead, she said

“Hello Ronan”.

He choked slightly on his drink and she thanked her lucky stars she had worn that new top that accentuated her figure. 

“Sarah! I didn’t expect to see you here”. Ronan said, flustered.

“I could say the same about yourself” she replied, aware of his eyes scanning her up and down. 

“Uh…What about you then? How you been getting on?” he said awkwardly. How was his Derry accent already fading? Snobbish prick.

“Like you give a damn,” she said, trying to be cold. However, as was typical with Sarah, there was an undertone of flirtation. 

She had every intention of making him regret ever dumping her, and then returning home, but with her inhibitions lowered, their interaction started to take a different turn. She found herself flattered by his complements, intrigued by the stories of his travels, and charmed by that gleam in his eye. She knew he wasn’t back for good. Some part of her even knew she’d regret this later. But God was he ever good at luring her in. At the end of the night, they stumbled back to the hotel where Ronan was staying and slept together. 

And the following morning, when she went home and he told her he’d keep in touch this time, she knew he was talking shite. But she didn’t care. She was not planning on telling her family about this. They’d douse her in Holy Water and curse her out for being so stupid. 

Weeks later, they _were_ cursing her out for being stupid. But no one was angrier with Sarah than she was with herself. Unmarried, pregnant, and the pretentious dose of a father likely never to return to Derry again. She briefly considered an abortion. After all, Cathy Maguire had just gone away to have one! She knew it was wrong in the eyes of God, but she could not imagine raising a baby without a father. All of Derry would talk. Her whole family would never live it down. She had never seen her parents so furious. Next to responsible Mary and Gerry with their infant, she felt especially foolish. 

Ronan’s parents still lived in Derry, and with their help, she tried to contact him. With each attempt, she grew more desperate, begging by the end. She knew he must have gotten his parents’ letters. After a few months, she gave up trying because she knew he was intentionally leaving her to deal with this alone. She resorted to cursing his name. She dreaded the due date. But for all the grief her family gave her, they promised to help her raise the child. 

And on the hottest summer day of 1979, as Sarah held her newborn daughter in her arms, the fear melted away. She knew she could never love anything as much as this child, and that no one would ever hurt Orla Josephine the way Ronan had done to her. He was dead to her, so he was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah wonders if Orla's absent father has an effect on her daughter's differences throughout childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will also be backstory, so I figured I'd just post it now since I already have it written. Thanks again if anyone reads this!

Following Orla’s birth, Sarah prayed every night to thank God that her parents, Mary and Gerry were helping her. Before the pregnancy, she had been preoccupied with fashion, her social life, and her job as a beautician. In that order. She always used to joke with her friends that she would be the last one to settle down and have children, because she was the least responsible young woman any of them knew. But Sarah loved Orla with all her heart, and figured she had done the poor wain enough of a disservice by not giving her a Da. The least she could do was not screw her up. 

The first few years were not without bumps in the road. Orla took a long time to say her first words, long enough that the family began to worry. Especially compared to Erin, who had reached the milestones of talking, reading and writing very early on, Orla seemed content to just run around and eat. 

Comparisons between Erin and Orla became a recurring theme in the Quinn-McCool household. Maybe more in Sarah’s own mind than anything, because her parents always fawned over both girls equally and Mary and Gerry doted on Orla as if she were their own daughter. As the girls grew up, Erin’s behavior seemed to match the other wee children at school. She enjoyed learning, writing, and talking, and became joined at the hip with two other wee girls called Clare and Michelle. Orla could usually be found tagging along behind them, daydreaming or eating candy. Erin confided in Mary and Sarah once when the girls were 10 that she, Clare and Michelle had to defend Orla from a fair amount of teasing.

“What in under God were they teasing her for?” asked Mary

“Well, you know…” said Erin, seemingly thinking it might be obvious, but as her Ma glared at her, she began to ramble. 

“Since, um, she doesn’t talk much, and the things she says don’t always make sense. And she won’t ever sit still. Today in Maths she leaned her chair back too far and tipped over, and the teacher called her a head-melter. But Sister Francis is just an old grump, so who cares what she says…” Erin trailed off, seeing the sad looks on Mary and Sarah’s faces.

Erin waited until Sarah went home later to tell Mary that a child had made a comment about Orla not having a Da.

Orla’s report cards always said the same things. Sarah grew tired of reading them. “Constantly distracted. Untidy. Head in the clouds. Not keeping up with classmates in core subjects. Maybe should be held back a year.” Sarah didn’t know how to explain, but she knew Orla wasn’t trying to be disruptive in class. She couldn’t help it, like. But that made it sound like she was admitting that something was “wrong”. 

Sarah didn’t talk about this with her family often, but she felt guilty. She wondered if Orla not having a Da around made her turn out “weird”, which was the word she often heard floating around town associated with her child. But sure, weren’t Mary, Gerry and Joe enough of a good influence even if Sarah herself wasn’t? This wain had 4 adults who loved her at home, that was more than enough. They never needed Ronan. Fucking Ronan. Sarah sometimes imagined what his reaction would be to having a daughter who performed poorly in school. He probably wouldn’t have been nice to her anyway, she told herself, so it was better he was out of the picture. Then she’d curse herself for even giving him the time of day.

The thing that reassured everyone, through all the sub-par report cards and teasing, was that they had never seen a happier wain than Orla. She was wholly undisturbed by people’s opinions of her, and to Sarah’s enormous relief, never indicated that she missed having a father around. As the girls became teens, Erin became moody, self-conscious and began to talk back to her parents. Orla remained the same – enthusiastically and contentedly marching to the beat of her own drum. Sarah thought less and less of Ronan and eventually stopped worrying entirely about the fact that Orla might be “different”. She wouldn’t have her – or their family – any other way.

That’s why the letter came as so much of a shock. It was so out of the blue. Sarah had scarcely thought of him over the past couple of years, until it arrived. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah recieves an unexpected letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The actual plot begins! Thank you to those who read and commented on the first couple chapters! :)

**March 1996**

“What did you do with the remote, you useless gobshite?” barked Joe, as Gerry sighed in response to the predictable abuse. Sarah sat at the table painting her nails and Mary brought in the mail. It was a typical afternoon at the Quinn house. The family had been enjoying a peaceful few months since the ceasefire, and were looking forward to the nice warm weather blowing in. 

“Sarah, I’ve grabbed yours as well. You’ve a letter with no name on the return address,” Mary said, confused.

“Go on and open it then Mary, my nails are in no state for letter opening,” replied Sarah absently. 

Mary did and stopped dead in her tracks. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Mary”

Mary looked up, deadly serious and the smile fell off Sarah’s face.

“Sarah, I don’t believe it…it’s from him”

Ronan’s name had long since been forbidden in the house, but Sarah didn’t need to ask who Mary meant.

“Throw it out,” said Sarah, her fierce tone a surprising departure from her usual dreamy one. Gerry and Joe stopped bickering and looked toward the kitchen. 

“What’s happened?” asked Gerry

Mary read something from the letter in a shocked whisper. 

“Speak up love!” snapped Joe

“Ronan’s returned to Derry and wants to meet Orla,” said Mary quickly as if she were ripping off a bandage. 

There was a pregnant pause as Mary, Gerry, and Joe looked at Sarah to gauge her reaction, but she merely took a drag of her cigarette and stared emotionlessly across the room. There was a burst of chatter as the other three family members began to speak

“But of course no part of him will be allowed near Orla!”

“He’s a no-good scumbag bastard and I’ll write back to tell him as much!”

“I’ll head over to Jim across the road to get the tranquilizer gun in case that prick so much as CONSIDERS coming NEAR this house!”

“Ach, give me the letter” said Sarah at last. She read it aloud as the others held their collective breath. 

_Dear Sarah,_

_I know you’ll not want to be hearing from me and if you’re even reading this instead of throwing it out, I’m grateful. I don’t know if you’ve heard, as I remember how Derry can be – but my father has passed away and I’ll be back in town to care for my Ma for the foreseeable. Truth is, I’ve been wanting to come back here since the ceasefire, but I couldn’t bear the embarrassment of potentially running into you, because I’m a bloody coward._

_I’ve traveled widely and learned a lot in the past 16 years, but now I’m beginning to wish I had settled down. My life has felt empty for a while and the guilt I feel about abandoning you and my child has been killing me. I’ve written and thrown out this letter a hundred times._

_I absolutely understand if you wish to never meet, or introduce me to your child (I’ve asked around and heard she’s called Orla?) but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try. I’ve also gotten a fair few dirty looks. I suppose I deserve it. Anyway, I know she must be 16 now and I thought she might want to decide for herself if she wants to see me._

_Again, I understand if the answer is no, but I stress how unbearable my guilt has become. If I could go back in time, I would change everything. But in case you or Orla is interested, here is my number and address of my Ma’s house._

_Ronan_

By the end of the letter, Sarah’s eyes were filled with tears and she was furious at herself for still becoming emotional about him after so many years. 

“Ach, Sarah love” said Mary, clasping her hand, “There is absolutely no chance he has to come anywhere near here. The gall to even ask…”

Sarah took a long moment to compose herself and think. Then she said quietly, bracing herself for the response,

“Maybe it _should_ be up to Orla”.

Just then, Erin and Orla, along with Michelle, Clare and James, burst through the front door, as usual chattering away and shedding their book bags and blazers nearly the second they crossed the threshold. 

They stopped dead in their tracks as they took in the scene, with Sarah attempting hastily to appear as though she wasn’t upset and the other adults trying and failing to appear occupied. 

“What’s going on?” said Erin abruptly

Michelle, never one to remain quiet, said in her best attempt at a sensitive voice-

“What’s the matter, has there been some bad craic?”

“We can leave,” piped up Clare, and James nodded.

There was another uncomfortable pause and Orla gently spoke.

“Mammy what’s wrong?”

Sarah looked over at her daughter, whose head was cocked inquisitively to one side and looked into her brown eyes. Until now, she had blocked out how much they looked like Ronan’s. She looked away, but couldn’t stifle a small sob.

“Shit,” muttered Michelle, who grabbed James’ arm and started backing up toward the door.

“It’s ok!” Gerry said very cautiously, ever the voice of reason, “Nothing terrible has happened. Ah…we just have something we need to talk about with only the family if that’s alright.”

Michelle, James, and Clare didn’t need to be told twice, and bid goodbye to their friends as they hurried for the door. 

“Do you want to go home and discuss this with her alone?” asked Mary. Erin looked slightly indignant at the prospect at being excluded, but stopped herself from saying anything when she noticed how frightened Orla looked.

“It’s alright,” Sarah said before she rose slowly from her chair, and guided Orla to sit next to her on the couch. She took Orla’s hands and forced herself to look into her concerned eyes. 

“Orla love, I’ve had a letter from your father. He’s come back to Derry and wants to meet you, but only if you’re interested”.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orla grapples with the idea of potentially meeting her father for the first time.

Erin’s mouth fell open and she looked towards her parents, who shot her a threatening glance warning her not to say anything. 

Orla furrowed her brow and blinked at her mother for a few moments. Orla, for all they knew, was incapable of uttering a lie, so they always knew what she was thinking as long as she’d say it. However, when she became quiet it was hard to guess, because her mind often seemed to be in a rather unpredictable universe of its own.

“I haven’t wondered about him in a long time” she said finally, with no trace of anything other than bemusement. Mary stepped forward and offered up the letter for Orla to read. She read it and her curious expression softened.

“He sounds really sorry,” she said, and then mouthed “Ronan…” in a barely audible voice. It occurred to everyone in the room that Orla had only just learned her own father’s name and Erin stepped forward, unable to keep from offering her input any longer.

“I can’t believe this. I don’t care how sorry he is. You can’t just abandon your wain and then saunter on back and expect her Ma to let you see her!” Joe made an affirmative grunt, and Mary mumbled something in Erin’s direction about it not having anything to do with her.

“Orla, I can write back and tell him to feck off, just say the word”, said Joe.

Orla looked around at her family’s faces and took a deep breath before saying slowly

“Is it bad if I want to meet him?”

Orla had a hard time interpreting social situations at the best of times, and the tension in the room was confusing her. She held her breath and waited for someone to begin yelling. 

The adults looked at each other, trying to find a delicate way to phrase their concerns about the consequences of letting her meet Ronan. They ended up deferring to Sarah, because Orla’s eyes were boring into her mother’s face demanding an explanation. Christ, how had Sarah seriously never realized how similar they were to Ronan’s eyes? 

“Orla love, Ronan – your father – has fooled me twice. He was the fella I went out with when I went to Our Lady Immaculate. And he said we’d be together forever. He wanted to see the world, and I wanted to stay in Derry, so he left me. I thought I’d never see him again. And then he came back, and I…well…fell for it again. It turned out to be a blessing, because I had you,” Sarah’s face was burning red now. 

“But I asked him a hundred times to come home when I found out I was pregnant,” she continued, “And he didn’t so much as answer a single letter. Forget about ever coming to visit or sending money. He puts himself first. He was too busy traipsing about Europe and America and everywhere else EXCEPT Derry”.

There was a spiteful edge to her voice now, and Orla, trying to cope with all this new information at once, seemed to be on the verge of being overwhelmed. She had scrunched her eyes shut and put her hands on the sides of her head.

“Sarah, why don’t you rein it in a wee bit, this is a lot for Orla to take in,” warned Mary. 

Sarah, who was on the verge of tears once again, took a moment to compose herself and allow Orla to do the same. Orla took several deep breaths and placed her hands back in her lap. Sarah took one of Orla’s hands and forced herself to look into her eyes before speaking.

“I just don’t want him to hurt you, do you understand? I’m afraid he’ll show up here, and say he’s _ever so sorry_ , and that he’s _matured_ now, and the like. He’ll be nice to you…and then leave again. I couldn’t handle it if that happened,”

“However,” she closed her eyes and sighed dramatically before concluding, “If I were you, I’d want to know too. You’re old enough to decide. And if he’ll be staying in Derry, you may well run across him somewhere in town anyway. If you really do want to meet him, he can come here. I’d rather it happen with us here than while you’re out and about.”

Orla’s expression was difficult to read. Mary, Gerry, Joe, and Erin were at a loss for words. It had been years since the older family members had heard Sarah speak about anything this seriously, and when Erin tried to recall another time her typically-ditzy aunt had _ever_ been so earnest, she came up short.

“How will he even know who I am if he sees me around?” Orla finally mumbled.

“Jesus, you’re the spitting image of him, so you are”, said Sarah, who would never be able to unsee the resemblance she had effectively repressed until today. 

“Oh, aye”, said Orla vaguely, as if she should have known. She looked around at everyone before settling on her Ma.

“Can I think about it?”

Sarah nodded, and Orla rose from the couch and headed out of the house to her bedroom next door without another word.

Erin broke the silence –

“So, is this the first time Orla’s ever thought about anything?” 

Mary shot her a withering glare which conveyed that it was not the moment for such remarks. Everyone was still trying to comprehend the day’s unexpected turn of events, and the sudden seriousness of the two members of the family who were, more often than not, away with the fairies. 

Erin was secretly hoping Orla would ask Ronan to come around, because the curiosity was killing her. She wondered if she could get away with ringing Michelle and Clare tonight to fill them in. Aside from the whole “abandonment” bit, he sounded like an interesting fella. After all, travelling abroad was one of Erin’s goals as well. She figured she better not voice that thought to anyone though, including her diary in case Orla would read it…

Mary wondered if the pretentious dose would make it through an evening in the Quinn house without dying at the hands of Joe. If he loathed Gerry so much, how would he react to being in the presence of the man who had abandoned Sarah and Orla? In fact, Mary always secretly suspected some of Joe’s vitriol towards Gerry was due to his resentment of Ronan (as misplaced and unfair as that was to the man who stayed). She might have to arrange for her Da to be elsewhere if Ronan came visiting…

And Sarah knew, deep down, what Orla’s answer was going to be. One of her daughter’s qualities that she had come to cherish was her avid curiosity. Not to mention Orla had a fondness for meeting new people, (such as Ukrainians, Travelers, transfer students from Donegal, and Provos in boots) even if there was a possibility those people might not have Orla’s best interest at heart. 

So, when Orla emerged from her bedroom that night and timidly asked Sarah if she could indeed meet Ronan, Sarah wasn’t surprised. She tried to prepare herself for her first encounter in over 17 years with the man, who she couldn’t bring herself to consider Orla’s father. He had never _been_ a father. And she knew one thing for certain – she was not going to allow him to get too close. He had already done enough damage and Sarah would be damned if he would do any more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orla and her friends and family await Ronan's visit, with varying fears and expectations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to write some scenes with the girls (James included of course), and it turned out to be so fun to do. Things start really ramping up from here on out. Thanks for reading!

Mary rang the number Ronan had provided to tell him that Orla wanted to see him, because Sarah refused to do it and Orla was too nervous. They had arranged for him to come Friday next week to Sarah’s house. He had tried to ask if he could meet with only Sarah and Orla, but Mary had refused point blank and informed him that he had an awful lot of nerve asking for conditions given the circumstances. 

As the days passed, Orla became increasingly excited about the prospect of meeting her father, which made everyone uneasy. They tried to manage her expectations, but no one seemed to have the heart to rain on her parade entirely. 

Orla, for her part, felt sorry for the pain Ronan had caused her mammy, but as far as she was concerned, he sounded really remorseful in that letter. Sure, she wasn’t enough of an eejit to hope he would be a permanent fixture in their family after this. She wouldn’t want her mammy to have to be around him that much. And Orla had always been happy with her family the way it was. But she was hoping maybe he would want to go camping with her every once in a while. No one else in her family liked the outdoors as much as her. Orla was getting tired of everyone looking at her with barely-concealed pity when she said she hoped Ronan would visit her every now and again and do things Das are supposed to do. She wasn’t asking for the world, just for a bit of camping.

Erin, Michelle, Clare, and James sat around in Erin’s room discussing the matter a few days prior to the visit. Orla was in her room in her own house “working on something cracker”, which she had been doing a lot of since Ronan’s letter arrived.

“Let’s say for argument’s sake he has…reformed”, said Erin, “Even if he has, he supposedly thinks himself very sophisticated. He’ll probably get sick of Derry again and flee the place soon as his Ma’s stable. Christ, even in the letter, between all the groveling, he snuck in a remark about ‘remembering how Derry can be’”.

“Aye, I imagine he’s been getting a lot of shit. Getting a girl pregnant and then fucking off to Amsterdam isn’t exactly considered class behavior amongst the Catholic crowd” replied Michelle.

“He has in fact actually,” nodded Clare, “my parents were saying what a lousy person he is, and as much as they feel for his poor Ma, they can’t believe he’d show his face around while Sarah and Orla still live here.”

“What he did was horrible, but dirty looks after 17 years?” said James.

“People don’t forget, dicko”.

The gossip and whispers about Ronan Staunton and Sarah McCool, which were rife around Derry at the time Orla was born, had mostly died down by the time the girls were old enough to go to school. And since the family never spoke of Ronan anymore, the teenagers had honestly never given a second thought to the matter of Orla’s father. It was only just occurring to them that it must have been a painful ordeal at one point in time. 

“I’m still a bit surprised they even agreed to let him come over”, said Clare “Sure it’ll be rough for your Aunt Sarah.”

“I just don’t understand how Orla’s not fuming at him. I’d be fuckin fuming if it was me. Leaving my Ma high and dry for 17 years,” said Michelle gruffly.

James, who had seemed to be lost in thought, spoke up. 

“Well, speaking from experience,” his cheeks turned slightly red, “It’s normal for kids to want their parents’ approval. Even if the parent in question, well…”

“Doesn’t give a flying fuck about them and ditches them for months or years?” finished Michelle.

“Exactly,” said James, looking a mixture of sad and embarrassed. Clare patted his shoulder in an attempt at comforting him.

“My main concern,” continued Erin, “God, how do I put this?”

“You’re worried this arsehole Ronan will think Orla’s mental?” asked Michelle

Erin nodded, looking stressed

“Aye. The more she’s buzzin about him coming over here, the worse it makes me feel imagining how he might react to her being sort of…different.”

The gang couldn’t bear the thought of Orla’s father looking down on her for being weird or not academically gifted. They all loved Orla’s individuality and eccentricities, but people who didn’t know her well weren’t always as understanding. Somehow, they had a feeling that a man who thought Derry (not to mention the entire obligation of parenting) was beneath him wouldn’t be one of the understanding types. 

“If most teenagers got a letter from their deadbeat Da they never met, they’d tell him to fuck off. But Orla trusts everyone, and she thinks he’s really sorry. Also, she never lies, so she doesn’t expect other people to.” said Erin. “Ronan can act really charming when he wants to, according to my Ma. Orla can’t grasp that he could be manipulative. She wouldn’t know someone was manipulating her if it hit her on the head and -”

Erin was speaking very fast now. Clare put her hand on her knee to stop Erin’s runaway train of concern for her naïve younger cousin.

“That’s what your family will be there for Erin,” she said. “They won’t let Ronan say anything hurtful to Orla.”

James nodded reassuringly, and Erin relaxed slightly, admitting Clare had a point. After a halfhearted attempt to restrain herself, Michelle spoke again

“Girls, I have something to say and before you attack me, just hear me out. My Ma said this Ronan character was really something to look at back in the day. Don’t shoot the messenger, like!” she yelled as all three of her friends began to protest. 

“I’m just wondering, if he DOES turn out to be a ride, will you all kick me out of the group for saying so?”

“JESUS MICHELLE!” screeched Clare and Erin in unison as James shook his head in disgust.

“What is wrong with you!? It would be revolting enough if you were saying that about your friend’s nearly 40-year-old Da under normal circumstances, but you’re talking about the person who abandoned Orla!” Clare said shrilly.

“Plus, there’s the matter of Orla apparently bearing a strong resemblance to him, so unless you’re saying Orla is a ride as well…” said James. 

“This discussion is ending right here!” yelled Erin as Michelle laughed and muttered something about everyone taking her too seriously.

Erin, Mary, and Gerry helped Sarah and Orla prepare their house for Ronan to visit. Erin grumbled about him not being worth it, and while her parents tended to agree, they didn’t want Ronan looking down upon Sarah and Orla. Orla might not be able to detect it if Ronan was condescending towards her, but the rest of them knew they wouldn’t be able to bear it.

Finally, the evening of the visit arrived. Joe was relegated to the Quinn house because Mary didn’t feel like breaking up arguments all night. Perhaps if Ronan became particularly insufferable, she’d go retrieve him. Orla was jittery with nervous excitement and Sarah was looking very pale, although she had made sure her hair and makeup were flawless. She informed them that she couldn’t resist.

When the knock at the door came, Orla gasped and instead of getting up to open it, she looked to the others. Erin strode confidently over to the door and opened it. 

In the doorway stood a tall, lean man, sharply dressed. His curly hair was shorter and tidier than when Sarah had last seen him, and his beard had been trimmed down to a short stubble. However, his eyes had the same charming glint. 

“Sweet Jesus, Dierdre Mallon was right”, thought Erin against her will, before immediately crushing the thought down and chastising herself inwardly. 

“Hello”, began Ronan in a deep voice. His accent was unidentifiable; it seemed to be a bizarre conglomeration of several different ones from across Europe. 

“Are you…Orla McCool?” he said, looking confused.

Erin stepped out of the way so that he could enter, while Orla stood up and walked over so that she was face to face with her father, although she appeared to be rendered speechless.

Ronan’s eyes met hers and he mouthed “Wow…”, before offering his hand for her to shake.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orla converses with her father for the first time, and Ronan has a question for Sarah.

After introductions, the family and Ronan made their way to the kitchen table. There was palpable tension in the atmosphere as Ronan seemed to be walking on eggshells, especially around Sarah. She threw him an icy glare when he complimented her appearance and she offered curt, one-word responses when he asked about how she had been getting on. 

Mary spoke to Ronan with an air of considerable contempt and Erin was uncharacteristically quiet, so good-natured Gerry was the one doing most of the conversing with Ronan as Orla seemed to be working up the courage to start talking. She typically had no qualms about speaking to people she didn’t know, but this was, understandably, an entirely different beast.

Eventually, Ronan decided to stop tip-toeing and looked directly at Orla.

“So, um, Orla, are you enjoying school?”

To everyone’s relief, this seemed to ease Orla’s nerves and she began telling Ronan about school and her friends, initially with hesitation. Ronan responded with genuine curiosity, which further encouraged her, and soon she began rambling eagerly about her other interests. She talked about step aerobics, camping, animals, drawing, Take That, her many favorite types of candy, and everything else under the sun that she considered “cracker”. By the time she had begun talking about melting stuff, she was practically breathless with excitement. The other family members could hardly remember Orla ever talking so much in one sitting; she usually drifted in and out of paying attention to long group conversations.

As deeply uncomfortable as Sarah still was with Ronan being in her presence after so long, her pride for her daughter overshadowed her negative feelings. The rest of the family looked on fondly as Orla finished her latest story, beaming. 

“Well Orla, I’m impressed,” said Ronan, flashing her a genuine smile in return. “You seem like a really well-rounded young lady. Your Ma must be proud of you.”

“So I am.” said Sarah. “Couldn’t be prouder. No thanks to you though.”

Ronan didn’t rise to the comment, instead nodding solemnly in agreement. His eyes certainly had the same puppy-dog quality as Orla’s. 

“You’re right. You have every right to say it. It was beyond good of you to even let me come here. And I’m so grateful you did.” He finished, smiling at Orla again.

“I have something to give ye, Ronan!” Orla shouted, before jumping off her chair and bolting upstairs to her bedroom. 

She returned moments later holding a piece of paper. She appeared to be bursting with pride as she handed it to Ronan.

It was an excellent portrait she had drawn of herself. Erin marveled at the progress Orla had made at drawing human faces since her amateurish, red-eyed drawing of James the previous fall.

“Isn’t it cracker!? It’s me! I drew it for ye so that no matter where ye go, ye might think of me once in a while!”

Ronan looked slightly ashamed at the implications of the statement, and Erin smirked and said “That’s another quality about Orla we all love - she’s brutally honest”.

“It looks fantastic, Orla. You have a real gift there. I’ll keep it wherever I go.” Ronan replied. 

The group wrapped up their conversations and Ronan got ready to leave. He promised Orla he would take her camping sometime soon when the weather got a little warmer. Orla bid goodbye to him and Mary, Gerry, and Erin felt genuinely happy for her.

As Ronan gathered his coat, he asked a question under his breath so that only Sarah could hear.

“Sarah, can I speak to you outside for a minute?”

“Ach, must we?” she rolled her eyes.

“Come on. Won’t take but a minute.”

“Fine. But make it quick.”

Sarah followed Ronan outside. He lit a cigarette, and offered her one, which she accepted. She wasn’t about to turn down a free cigarette. She could still hardly believe he was standing before her after all these years. He did still look handsome, although she would never admit that out loud. 

“Orla’s a wonderful kid. You and your family have done a great job. I meant what I said about wishing I could go back and undo my mistakes. But clearly, she was in good hands.”

“Aye, thanks, I know. Is that all? This breeze will play havoc with my hair the longer I stand here.”

“Ah…no,” said Ronan. He seemed to be steeling himself to say something risky, and couldn’t meet Sarah’s eyes. 

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, ok Sarah? Like I said, she’s a great kid.”

“Take what the wrong way?” retorted Sarah. Her blood had run cold and her tone was even frostier. God help this man if he was about to insult the daughter he abandoned.

He looked at her with the pleading expression she had fallen for many times before.

“Well spit it out then Ronan, you’ve already gone this far!”

“Ah…” he rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Mary didn’t mention on the phone…no one I asked around mentioned…although sure that wasn’t their place…Come on, Sarah, don’t make me say it.”

Sarah said nothing, but fixed him with the harshest glare she could muster. She wanted him to squirm at least, if he was really going to have the nerve to say whatever this was.

“Orla, she’s uh…a bit…slow. Right?” he practically whispered, apparently mortified at his own suggestion. 

Sarah gritted her teeth as she struggled to come up with a vicious comeback, but in her shock, she was coming up short. Shock that he had been so nice to Orla for the past couple hours and meanwhile, had been dwelling on this. Shock that she was enough of an eejit to think that the evening would go smoothly. Sure, things were always too good to be true when it came to Ronan.

“Listen, Sarah, I’m not saying it’s a-“

“No YOU listen, you selfish bastard” Sarah cut him off ferociously. “God, how dare you. I can’t believe you’d have the absolute nerve to stroll into town and ask to see Orla, and make her think you were impressed with her, only to say this. What, she’s not up to the standards of the wains in London or Paris and now you want nothing to do with her again?”

“STOP, Sarah! You didn’t let me finish. It’s NOT a bad thing. I know she can’t help it. It’s just…I’ve been around and met people like this. They have the mind of a younger child. Doctors have names for this sort of thing. They have people who can help.”

“Ach, listen to yourself. You think you know so much more than me. More than everyone in Derry. Well, for all that shite you learned abroad, there’s a couple things you still need me to teach you now. Ronan Staunton, if you would have BEEN here for the past 17 years, you’d know that I’ve heard all this before, and much worse. And more importantly, if you’d gotten to know Orla like you were SUPPOSED TO, you’d know she doesn’t need help, she doesn’t care what people say about her, and she’s HAPPY HOW SHE IS!”

“FINE! I get the idea, Sarah. I should never have brought it up. But you’re wrong about me wanting nothing to do with her. She and I got on really well, wouldn’t you say? I’ll take her camping and do whatever else she wants.”

“You’ll do no such thing. You’ll just let her down again, I’d stake my life on it. I’m putting a stop to it now. You’re not to see her again.”

“You’re seriously not going to let me see Orla again? I want to get to know her and I can tell she felt the same! Besides, I told her I would. How are you gonna break this to her?”

“That’s for me to work out. You blew your chance. Enjoy looking at her drawing. Goodbye, Ronan.”

With that, Sarah turned her back on him, stormed inside, and slammed the door. Her family members were gaping at her in disbelief. They hadn’t heard the whole conversation, because Sarah and Ronan had walked down the street to keep Orla out of earshot. However, they had heard yelling, and that slam couldn’t be interpreted any other way.

“What in under God was that about?” asked Mary, dreading the answer. 

Sarah looked around at all of them. She looked at Orla last, and the confusion and fear displayed plainly on her daughter’s face was enough to make her well up with tears again. Christ, she was tired of crying about this.

“You’re not going to see him anymore, Orla”, Sarah stated flatly. “He liked talking to you and he’s proud of you, but he said he's got too much going on with his Ma and he’ll be moving out of Derry soon anyway. He told me to tell you, the coward.”

“What the hell?” said Erin

Orla mouthed soundlessly for a couple seconds, hopelessly unable to comprehend this turn of events.

“I don’t understand”, she said finally, looking deflated.

“Sorry, love. I should have done a better job warning you about him”, said Sarah, not able to meet Orla’s gaze now. “Do you all mind heading home? Thank you for all your help.” She said, addressing the baffled Mary, Gerry, and Erin.

The Quinns filed out. Sarah tried to pull her daughter into a hug, but Orla resisted and stomped upstairs without another word.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orla has been struggling since her encounter with Ronan. Trying to help, the girls find out more than they expected to.

The following couple of weeks were strange, uncomfortable times for the family. Orla’s mood did not improve. She had almost entirely stopped speaking unless spoken to, and even then, she would barely engage. She spent a lot of time shut away in her room instead of hanging out with her friends, no matter how hard they tried to involve her. It wouldn’t be extremely concerning behavior for a teenage girl, except that it was Orla, and she had never previously been remotely moody. As the days passed, all her family and friends wondered if or how they should intervene.

Erin and the others sat around discussing their concerns during one of their breaks at school. They didn’t know where Orla was; she had been sulking around school alone rather than cheerfully eating sweets with her friends.

“I swear on Dolly, I have known Orla since she was born and I’ve never seen her this upset about something for more than a day, let alone weeks. It really scares me,” said Erin, looking at her friends in distress.

“It’s freaking me out how she’ll hardly even talk. It’s as if this thing with Ronan broke her.” said Clare sadly. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m stressed as well. It’s fuckin depressing the way she’s moping about,” said Michelle. “But she might still snap out of it, don’t you think? She’s never once given a fuck about what anyone thought of her before. I always found it impressive really…”

“Aye and she’s never minded not having a Da either”, observed Clare. “She has plenty of family who love her.”

“I know, it makes no sense. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. Why won’t she talk to us?”, said Erin desperately, angry that she felt so useless as to how to help her cousin.

James had been pondering quietly while the girls fretted. He thought he might be empathizing with how Orla was feeling better than they did, because his Mum had abandoned him as well. Also, James would never dare say this, but he felt like he understood Orla better than Michelle and Clare at least, despite not having known her as long. He and Orla were often tagging behind while the others chattered away, and he paid more attention to her reactions to situations than they did. In his opinion, Orla was more observant than everyone thought. Some people at school acted like Orla was functioning on a lower level than them, which he couldn’t stand. He preferred to think of it as a different wavelength.

“It’s true, Orla’s never cared about anyone’s opinion before, nor has she cared about having no Dad.” He finally spoke.

“But having Ronan reach out to her like that, it makes sense she got her hopes up that he would validate her. Then, when she opened up to him, she was rejected, _right_ after he’d just smiled to her face. That’s gotta make anyone feel bad about themselves, even someone who’s never embarrassed. Since she’s never really processed these sorts of feelings before, she’s probably feeling a whole lot at once, and I imagine it’s been really hard to handle.”

Erin threw her arms around James in a hug, while Clare nodded vigorously and said he was really wise. Even Michelle couldn’t bring herself to insult him because she knew there must be some truth in his words.

“One more thing that’s confusing me and probably Orla”, said Erin, “My Aunt Sarah was acting really weird that night. She was definitely hiding something, except none of us know why. So that’s probably making Orla feel worse because she’s upset with her Ma at the moment and doesn’t trust her.”

“Miss Quinn!” came a sudden shout from down the hallway. 

Sister Michael strode up to the group as they immediately stopped talking and began picking up their books as if to head to class.

“Calm yourselves, you’re not in any trouble…for once. Miss Quinn, I just wanted a quick word,” said Sister Michael, who gestured for Erin to follow her.

Once they were out of earshot from the rest of the girls, Sister Michael spoke quietly to Erin

“I know this is unusual for me, but I’m concerned about your cousin,”

Erin sighed. It was getting so that Sister Michael had noticed, and she famously didn’t care about her pupils very often.

“She’s been even more disengaged in class and I noticed she’s stopped following you lot around. Just now, I ran across her and she was writing in some kind of notebook. I’ve never seen her writing during break, sure she’s only ever eating candy. Is there something going on?”

“Sort of, yeah. It’s hard to explain. She had something difficult happen at home and it seems to have thrown her a bit off, I suppose.”

Was that genuine concern on Sister Michael’s face?

“We’re working on it,” said Erin. She appreciated that Sister Michael actually appeared to care, but she didn’t want to air out all the details of Orla’s business in the hallway. Besides, she was still thinking about something Sister Michael had just said. Orla was _writing?_ Erin was familiar with the process of writing to work through her feelings, and Orla had been spending a lot of time alone in her room. Erin felt bad snooping, but perhaps there would be something in there that could help everyone figure out what she was thinking. And it’s not as if Orla had ever hesitated to snoop through Erin’s diary anyway…

Erin had her friends round that evening and they waited until Orla took a walk (another moody new activity) to sneak over to Sarah’s place and up to Orla’s room.

“How is this the first time I’m seeing Orla’s room?” asked Clare as they stood outside the door.

“Seriously, we never come here. Is it bad I’m a bit frightened of what she might have in there?” asked Michelle.

“Not the time, Michelle,” said James.

They cautiously pushed open the door.

“Holy fuck.”

There were many trinkets, knick-knacks, and a general sense of clutter, but Michelle’s exclamation was in reference to the walls of the room.

Orla’s walls were covered in dozens of drawings. They had no idea she had been drawing so much, but Erin realized that must explain the drastic improvement in the quality of her recent self-portrait compared to her effort six months ago. There were pictures of animals, the Derry walls, the church they attended, and much more. However, the girls were most struck by the pictures of Orla with her friends and family members. She had created images of many of their misadventures together, and hung those closest to the head of her bed. 

“Jesus…” said Erin. She turned to look at Orla’s desk, where the things she had been most recently working on were strewn across the surface.

There were several much darker and more emotional sketches - of thunderstorms, derelict buildings, and a picture that appeared to be of Ronan, which had a phrase written across it:

**“What’s wrong with her?”**

Erin felt her stomach drop. She vaguely remembered Big Mandy saying that to Tina during the talent show, right before Tina replied calling Orla a dick. There was no way Orla could have heard that, surely? But come to think of it, the number of times she had heard that exact phrase uttered at school about Orla over the years was impossible to count…

And worst of all, next to the picture of Ronan lay a letter that Orla appeared to have written to him, wanting to know what she had done to scare him off. Written in pleading, desperate capital letters across the bottom, were the words “ **I don’t understand** ”.

“Oh God…” said James weakly. 

Erin felt lightheaded at the magnitude of this invasion of privacy and the jarring physical proof of Orla’s emotional struggles.

“Um girls, is it just me who thinks we should get out of here?” asked a nervous Clare.

They all agreed and hurried out of the room. They were making to head back to the Quinns’ house when Sarah’s phone rang.

“Should we answer it?”

“Why the hell would we answer it?”

“Why not??”

They didn’t pick up the phone, but gasped when they heard Ronan’s voice on the answering machine.

“ _Sarah, I know you told me not to call but I won’t bother you too many more times. I’m sorry again for how things went, but I’d really like to see Orla again. Please, will you reconsider?”_

“What?” said Erin, bewildered. She turned to her friends. “Sarah told all of us that Ronan said he didn’t want to bother seeing Orla again because he’s too busy.”

“Well, you were right earlier, weren’t you? Sarah WAS talking shite.”

Just then the door opened and Orla walked inside, halting mid-step when she saw her friends gathered around the phone. 

She shook her head in confusion.

“What are you all doing here?” she demanded.

The four friends looked wildly at each other. But they knew Orla should be told the truth. 

“You should listen to this message,” said James timidly.

They played Ronan’s message back and watched Orla’s face closely for any sign of emotion, but she appeared stoic. Then she turned on her heel and headed next door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was where I started to explore Orla in a way she hasn't been seen in the show so far, so it was more challenging. Hope it's turned out ok!   
> I don't ship Orla and James, but I think they have great chemistry in a friendship sense, so I wanted to convey that a little.   
> Thanks for following this far :) Next chapter, things hit the fan.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Orla hears Ronan's message, things reach a breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the comments on the last chapter! I'm glad for the positive feedback on the direction I took the story.

The gang tried to call after Orla to stop her, but she flung open the door to the Quinns’ house, where her mother and other family members were going about business as usual. She stormed into the house and stood before Sarah, who was sitting on the couch. The atmosphere in the room immediately shifted as they all observed Orla’s confrontational demeanor and knew what was happening - her unaddressed negative feelings were finally about to spill over.

“I knew you lied to me.”

The others noticed the color drain from Sarah’s face.

“What are you on about Orla?” she said, slowly, cautiously. As if hoping that if she spoke calmly, Orla might settle down. This was not the case.

“You know exactly what I’m on about! I’m talking about him!”

“Will somebody expand and explain?” yelled Joe from the kitchen.

Orla opened her mouth to speak again, but Erin cut across her, hoping to de-escalate the situation.

“Ehm, well…we were all in your house just now, Aunt Sarah, and your phone rang. And it was, um, Ronan. He left a message saying he’s sorry for bothering and for how things went but he wants to see Orla again. And you kinda told us that he said he’d be too busy to ever visit Orla…”

“You were all in Sarah’s house? Why?” asked Mary.

The four friends exchanged guilty looks as Sarah and Orla stared at them. Erin, Michelle, and Clare started to talk over one another, but for perhaps the first time, James spoke loudest.

“We were getting really worried about you, Orla. You haven’t been yourself and you’ve been spending a lot of time alone. Today, Sister Michael told Erin she found you writing during break. So, we thought there might be something in your room that would help us understand how you’re feeling…” he trailed off, seeing the looks on everyone’s faces.

“We saw all of it. We’re not gonna pretend we didn’t. And by ‘all of it’ I mean, that stuff on your desk.” said Michelle bluntly.

Orla closed her eyes and exhaled deeply, running her hands through her hair. They were expecting her to be furious about the invasion of her room, but she seemed, on some level, relieved that she wasn’t coping with her feelings alone anymore.

“What stuff, love?” breathed Sarah.

Orla struggled to find words to describe what the gang might have found, before looking desperately at her friends.

“It was a lot of, um, unhappy drawings,” began Clare, looking like she was positively cacking herself. “And a letter she had written to Ronan asking him what she had done wrong to scare him off,” she finished very quickly.

Orla’s face turned bright red, her anger escalating again. There was a strange, aggressive look in her eyes none of them had ever seen before. She rounded on Sarah once more.

“Mammy, you told me Ronan said he was too busy to see me again. But sure, hadn’t he JUST said he’d take me camping? I was so confused. I knew you were lying to me but I didn’t know why. But I figured it out. You think I can’t handle the real reason.”

Sarah hadn’t told the other family members what Ronan had said to her outside, so she was the only one in the room who truly recognized how accurate Orla’s assessment of the situation was.

“Orla, sweetheart,” Sarah began, choosing her words extremely carefully, with the air of someone trying to defuse a bomb. “I was only trying to look out for you. I didn’t want you getting too close to Ronan. I know he’ll let you down again. He’s not as nice as he seemed. Come on love, you must have an idea. I mean sure, didn’t he leave us for 17 years?”

Orla looked at the floor as she said,

“I just want to know what he said about me.”

“What?”

“I know he said something about me. You two were yelling. You think I can’t handle it, but I can,” she said fiercely. 

“I’m not _that_ bothered about not seeing him,” Orla continued, getting louder by the second. “I never missed him before, had I? No, I’m more bothered about you lying to me, and everyone looking at me like I’m…”

“Ach Orla, catch yourself on! Can you really blame me for not sharing it with you? I made up my mind, I didn’t want him to see you again for your own good. There’s some things you just don’t understand about-”

She had chosen her words poorly after all, as Orla tightened her fists and clenched her jaw. The others in the room gasped at her fury; they had never seen her in a state quite like this and it was frightening.

“AYE THAT’S THE PROBLEM! I don’t understand, but instead of helping me understand, everyone looks at me like they feel sorry for me, or rolls their eyes, or laughs. Everyone thinks I don’t notice, but I’m sick of it!”

Sarah finally rose from her chair and looked her daughter in the eye. 

“HE ASKED ME IF YOU WERE SLOW! And tried to say you could use help from a doctor! That’s why I didn’t want him seeing you anymore. He acted like he meant well, but sure he was looking down on you, because he doesn’t know you like we do. Because he couldn’t be troubled to visit us ONCE IN ALMOST 17 FECKING YEARS!” 

“THAT’S ALL? _That’s_ what you thought I couldn’t cope with hearing? D’you know how many times I’ve heard that? But I never minded, because I have my family and friends. But I don’t want you all acting like something’s wrong with me too!!”

She gestured toward her stunned friends. “Ok, so I might not be as bright as them. And I might be a ‘weirdo’, but I’m NOT completely stupid and I CAN THINK FOR MY FUCKING SELF!”

At that, Sarah (along with baby Anna) burst into tears. She sank back down into her chair as the family members and girls looked on, at a complete loss for words. This was unprecedented behavior from Orla, who now looked horrified and took several steps back from her mother.

“Jesus Christ,” whispered Michelle.

Mary had her hand over her heart and Erin and Clare gawked at Orla. The three men mostly looked sad, feeling sorry that it had come to this. 

Orla pressed her palms over her eyes and gave a low groan, her anger finally spent and regret settling in its place. When she removed her hands and ran them through her wild hair, they saw that her eyes were wet. She took several shaky breaths before speaking in a voice that sounded much more similar to the one they were accustomed to, except it was noticeably sorrowful and weighed-down instead of dreamy and detached.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what…I didn’t mean to…I just haven’t been…” The words died in her throat. She let out a defeated sigh, unable to express anything further. She was already ashamed and wanted to avoid breaking down into full sobs.

“I just want to be alone for a bit. Don’t follow me. I really am sorry.”

And with that, she walked quickly out of the house, and none of them tried to stop her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although it's not super long, this chapter took me a long time to write and edit because this was the scene I cared about the most. I was surprised how emotional it made me to write it, but I think that's because I could sort of relate to certain aspects of it. Almost to the end now :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orla does some self-reflecting following her argument with Sarah and ahead of a difficult decision.

No one knew exactly how to break the brutally uncomfortable silence that followed after Orla left. Mary, Gerry and Joe walked over to console Sarah. Erin, Clare, Michelle and James looked at each other, still in disbelief about what they had just witnessed. Predictably, it was Michelle who spoke initially.

“Christ, never thought I’d see the day Orla said ‘fuck’”.

James rolled his eyes and the other girls in the group merely shook their heads. As shocked as they were to hear Orla yell at her Ma like that, they were primarily feeling somber, struggling with seeing their happiest friend in such a state. 

“I wish she could go back to the way she was before all this,” said Clare, wringing her hands. “Do you think she really feels like we’re all judging her?”

They looked to James, because he had previously been so accurate in his assessment of Orla’s mental state. 

“I think she wishes she could go back too,” James said in a thoughtful voice. “And Clare, I don’t know. Probably not, but she’s trying to deal with the experience of being self-conscious for the first time.”

“It almost physically pains me to admit this, but maybe we should listen to you more often” said Michelle.

“She’ll be ok,” said James reassuringly. “She just needs us to support her because, like I said, these kind of self-esteem issues are foreign and scary for her”

“Aye I want to go talk to her. I assume she went next door?” said Erin. “I know she said she wanted to be left alone, but I’m guessing she mainly meant that for Sarah.”

The gang did feel sorry for Sarah as well, but it seemed like Erin’s parents had her under control. They proceeded to sneak outside without attracting the attention of the preoccupied adult members of the family. 

The girls entered Sarah and Orla’s house and called out, but got no response. They ascended the stairs and saw the door to her room mostly closed. With an air of trepidation, Erin knocked.

“Orla? Sorry to bother, but we wanna talk to you. No one’s mad at you, we just want to help.”

When they heard nothing, Erin pushed open the door. 

Orla wasn’t there, but she had cleared all her gloomy drawings off her desk and left a note there, where it would be easily seen.

_Mammy,_

_I didn’t run away. I’ll be back soon. I just need to figure some things out for myself. I hope you understand._

_PS I feel awful about the yelling_

“Well, any guesses where she’s run off to?” said Michelle sarcastically.

Orla walked along the streets of Derry alone with her hands in her pockets. She probably should have been nervous, as night had long since fallen, but she had far too much else weighing on her mind to care. And besides, she had a hunting knife, so that would probably be sufficient protection. 

For the life of her, she couldn’t get herself to stop crying. She couldn’t even recall the last time she had cried hard like this. It was beginning to make her head pound, although that could have also been due to the abundance of guilt and shame she was currently experiencing, hanging over her like an unfamiliar and invasive dark cloud. All her life, Orla had been aware of people wondering what was wrong with her. And until recently, she had always been confident that the answer was “absolutely nothing”. But lately, she had found herself asking that question, along with countless others.

_How come I had to start caring what people think of me?_

_Why did I think Ronan would be proud of me in the first place?_

_Why didn’t I try to talk to anyone about this before I couldn’t take it anymore?_

_How could I shout at mammy that way when I know she was just trying to help?_

Orla felt sick as she thought about how she had made her Ma cry. She thought she would probably feel guilty about it for the rest of her life. She almost never raised her voice in genuine anger and she _definitely_ never swore at people, least of all her own mother, who had only acted out of care for her. 

_Seriously, WHAT is happening to me?_

She had always enjoyed that about herself; the lack of any insecurity she felt while it seemed to plague her friends and peers constantly. Now, Orla felt as though that treasured part of herself had been broken, and would never go back into place. She supposed it was part of getting older. Kids’ teasing had been meaningless to Orla, but she wondered whether it might be more difficult to be an adult who everyone thought was weird or stupid. 

But the worst bit was that she had inexplicably begun to question whether her family and friends actually did think less of her for being “different”. Sure, they had always been supportive of her, but now she was acutely aware of all the times over the years they had exchanged eyerolls upon hearing one of her comments, adopted a frustrated tone when they had to explain something to her more than once, or sighed in exasperation when she failed to recognize sarcasm yet again. 

_What if they only put up with me because they have to?_

_Is there actually something the matter with my brain?_

_Why am I such a dick?_

Orla pulled the scrap of paper containing Ronan’s address from her pocket and double checked it. She was almost there. She knew they’d know where she was going, and they’d think her mental for running off in the night to see him of all people. She didn’t want to explain it to anyone before she went because she knew they would try to stop her from going. She wouldn’t have known how to explain it anyway. 

Everyone had been acting like she was unaware that Ronan abandoned her, and no, of course she hadn’t forgotten. But she seemed to be the only one who remembered that if it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t even be alive. It was essential to Orla that she, not her Ma, decide whether she wanted to allow him into her life. And that she be the one to tell him, face-to-face, what that decision was. 

As Orla arrived on Ronan’s Ma’s doorstep, she felt guilty about disturbing the older widow at this hour of night. But she wasn’t about to go back home now. As she had walked and wallowed in her feelings, the adrenaline of the argument had worn off and been replaced by total exhaustion. 

She knocked on the door and Ronan’s Ma answered, looking alarmed. 

“Sorry to disturb you m’am. I’m-”

The woman’s expression softened.

“Orla, of course.”

She invited Orla inside. Ronan was sitting in the kitchen, drinking a cup of tea. He was very surprised to see her, and he quickly started to prepare her a cup after noticing she was shivering and her eyes were bloodshot. However, he was not as surprised as Orla was when she noticed her drawing had already been framed.

“I wanted -no, I needed- to talk to you, if that’s ok, Ronan.”

He pulled out a chair and waited for her to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far! Next chapter is the ending :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah and the others consider what they can do to support Orla going forward. Orla tells her family about her decision regarding her future relationship with Ronan.

Orla awoke late the next morning in a spare room in Ronan’s mother’s house, slightly embarrassed she’d slept so long. It was unsurprising, given that she’d been up late and had such an emotionally draining evening, but she still found herself apologizing for the inconvenience as Ronan gently woke her to inform her that he was about to go take his mother for her Saturday big shop. 

“You’re no bother at all,” he said. “I just wanted to let you know where I was going in case you woke up and we were gone. Giving you a place to sleep when you needed it was the very least I could do…” He then turned around and mumbled something to himself more quietly. 

“Sorry, didn’t catch that,” said Orla as she yawned and rubbed her eyes.

Ronan sighed and looked at her, appearing as though it pained him to do so. She could suddenly see years of loneliness and regret etched in his face as their eyes met. 

“You deserved 17 years of me being here for you. I’ve only given you one night.”

Orla couldn’t think of any way to respond. She found herself feeling sorry for Ronan. She could imagine her family trying to tell her that he was only using self-pity to get her to stay with him instead of returning home. However, she could clearly see that this was a man truly haunted by his actions. 

“Ah, anyway,” he said, “You can help yourself to anything you want in the kitchen, or use the shower or whatever you need.” He paused, looking as if there were many more things he wanted to say. He kept them to himself.

“See you, Orla.”

“Thank you,” was all Orla could manage. Last night she had made a difficult decision, but she was feeling proud of herself for doing it on her own. Now, she just needed to let her family know. She wasn’t sure if they’d be happy to see her after how she’d left things. In fact, she was expecting to be punished. But since she’d made such a fuss about this being her choice, she figured her Ma would at least appreciate that she’d already decided. 

Sarah had waited up until the small hours of the morning to see if Orla would return home, but it eventually became clear that it was a lost cause. All the others waited up with her, including Erin and Orla’s friends. They were too shaken by the night’s events to sleep much, and resorted to talking about how they should handle things going forward. Mary and Gerry had to reassure Sarah that Orla wasn’t abandoning the family completely. She knew it was a ridiculous notion, but in Sarah’s defense, she had personal experiences with abandonment. 

“She just needs to figure out this situation with Ronan on her own. She wants to decide for herself if she’s going to have any relationship with him. Trust me, I know how it is,” James had said reassuringly. The wee English fella seemed to really understand Orla, so it turned out. Perhaps partially due to absent-parent solidarity, but mostly it seemed like he was just a kind wee soul. If only he weren’t gay, he’d make a lovely boyfriend for Erin, Sarah thought. She didn’t mention it aloud lest she catch backlash from Joe on account of the English element, but she thought he’d fit right at home in their family.

Sarah wasn’t angry with Orla. Sure, how many times in her youth had she yelled at Joe and poor Marie over things much more trivial than this? Since Ronan’s letter had arrived, Sarah had been alarmingly unable to shake the image of him when she looked at Orla. But just now, as Orla had shouted at her, she looked at her daughter and saw, to her relief, a strong resemblance only to herself. She tried to prepare herself for Orla to tell her she wanted to continue spending time with Ronan. Sure, it wasn’t what most teenagers would do regarding their absent father, but Orla had never been like most wains. Sarah didn’t know anyone who was better at seeing the good in people.

She hadn’t truly felt guilty about how she had handled any part of the incident until she returned to Orla’s bedroom and looked through all the drawings and the letter to Ronan. There were actually quite a few more confused ramblings and melancholy pictures than the girls had found. Sarah didn’t tell the others, but she wondered whether the Ronan ordeal might not have been the sole catalyst for Orla’s feelings of insecurity and self-doubt after all. It appeared as though it may have been happening under the surface for longer than anyone, even Orla herself, might have realized. 

Sarah wasn’t the only one feeling like she should have been doing a better job handling communication with Orla, and not just over the past couple weeks. All the family members and the girls were thinking regretfully of instances they had snapped at her, said her ideas were ridiculous, or called her interests childish. They knew Orla understood that they all constantly gave each other a hard time without meaning any harm. However, they were the best support she had in a world that could be cruel, and they figured they ought to be a bit more mindful.

“Maybe she wouldn’t have been so eager to tell Ronan about all that stuff she’s into if we didn’t zone out half the time she told us,” Erin had said.

“Aye in fairness though,” Michelle had pointed out, “She’s usually the one with her head on another planet, so I think she’ll be able to find it in her heart to forgive us that.” 

Orla finally arrived at the Quinn’s house in the afternoon.

“Mammy, I need to talk to you!” she called out as she walked through the doorway. She froze as she entered the living room and saw all her loved ones gathered around looking at her.

A comical surprised expression crossed her face when she saw all her friends were still there and that everyone had seemed to be actively awaiting her return. 

She looked sheepish for a moment, reflecting on the fact that last time they had seen her, she had made her mother cry before storming off to her deadbeat father’s house. It would never be her finest hour, but no one seemed to be angry. She looked at Sarah remorsefully and decided she might as well have this conversation in front of everyone because they’d all know soon anyway.

“I’m sorry I said those things. And I’m sorry if I upset you by spending the night at Ronan’s house.” She took a deep breath. “I know what he did was awful to you. To us. I tried not to get excited for when he came to visit, but…I couldn’t help it, like. I was buzzin about the fact my Da might finally want to know me.”

“It’s ok Orla, we understand,” said Gerry.

“It makes sense you would feel that way.” said James in an encouraging voice. 

“Mammy, I appreciate that you were trying to help me. I know you want what’s best for me. But I really wanted to decide myself.”

“I know, love.” Sarah finally spoke. “And I told you it was your decision from the get-go. I meant for it to be, but I couldn’t stand to hear him say those things about you, even if he meant well.”

Orla nodded, her eyes conveying her gratitude that Sarah had defended her.

“So, I went in there and told him everything that happened. I thought he’d say something about us fighting, or even try to get me to stay with him instead. But all he said was he felt sorry he ever called me slow. He said he was only trying to help, but it wasn’t his place given that he abandoned us, so he felt like a dick for asking. And he said he really did think my hobbies were cracker and he wants to take me camping and all.”

Sarah would have given credit where credit was due, but she wouldn’t ever quite feel like a single bit of credit would be due for Ronan.

“In fairness, I think he actually has changed. And he had framed my drawing. But when I was there without all you around,” she looked around at the Quinns and back to her mother, “It wasn’t as much fun talking to him. He doesn’t make me laugh like you all do. He doesn’t…feel like family. Also, his Ma’s house had NO Christmas cupboard, can you believe it?”

She was bolstered by the fact that they were all smiling at her now, and wrapped up her story.

“I tried to let him down easy, like. I told him I’d thought about it and decided we don’t need to go camping or anything. I said I’ll talk to him if I see him around, but that’ll probably be all. He didn’t try to change my mind. He said he could see I’m very happy with my family the way it is. And I told him he’s right, I always have been.”

Sarah’s eyes were filled with tears again. Hopefully this would be the final time she’d be crying over this. Lord knows she’d ruined too much makeup.

“Ach love I’m so proud of you, come here.”

She pulled Orla into an embrace.

“Orla,” Clare spoke up. “We all want you to know, we hope you’ll tell us if you’re ever having problems or going through a hard time. We don’t think you’re weird-”

“Ooookay I agree with that first bit but let’s not get fuckin carried away now” interjected Michelle, prompting laughs.

“What I mean is, we’ll never judge you, alright?” said Clare “And we don’t think you’re stupid either. Just because you can’t always tell when people are joking doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”

“Yeah, we don’t know what we’d do without you. You’re a great friend!” said James.

“And we love how you’re never afraid to be yourself. We could all benefit from being a little more like that.” said Erin.

“You’re our dick Orla, what else is there to say?” finished Michelle.

Orla was now wiping her eyes on her sleeve. She cast a grateful smile toward her friends, too overcome with emotion to speak.

“Lovely sentiments,” said Joe, “Now get over here Orla, these Coco Pops aren’t going to eat themselves.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional thoughts: I can't resist a cheesy ending sometimes lol. However, while this was a happy final scene, I didn't mean to imply that it's all "fixed" now. I imagine Orla would still feel somewhat conflicted about Ronan in the future, especially if he's still in Derry. While I always had the intention of writing Ronan to be truly remorseful, ultimately it was a bit "too little, too late" for him to try to have a normal-ish relationship with a long-neglected daughter who had such a loving family already. He realizes that and Orla did too, and both of them still have to come to terms with that. While it was hard for Orla to essentially cut ties with him, she's confident it was the right thing to do, and furthur reassured by how understanding & supportive her family were when she got home. I specifically made sure to have Gerry and Joe speak in this chapter because they've been father figures to her. 
> 
> Thanks so much to those of you who followed and commented on this! Reading the comments I felt like Jenny Joyce when she says "Aww, you guys!" It means a lot to have people giving that kind of feedback on the first short story I've ever written. 
> 
> I'm working on another one, same fandom, centered on different characters. It's gonna be longer and honestly this one is now almost seeming like a warm-up in comparison lol. I'll probably post that soon too if I like how it's turning out. Cheers! :)


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